I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize