Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Say something about gay babies.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
