Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
