Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
