just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
