why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
