i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
