Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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