grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
