Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
