If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
