Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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