Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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