Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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