God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
