When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
