there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
