Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We need to get me chipped asap
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize