So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
people are starting to question the shark bite story
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
