plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
