Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize