remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
