I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
