I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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