Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
