I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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