just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
