I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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