yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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