I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My vagina is very pro this idea
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