Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
