his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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