I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
