I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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