You just made me feel so damn special
My liver just broke up with me...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
