If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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