I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
