I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
well, you know. whores of a feather.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
