The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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