Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
