i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
