May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
