she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
