Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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