I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
