I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
