There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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