I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
