I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
