before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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