Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
