Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
