My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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