and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
