yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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