Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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