kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
